BY BILL SPELTS

The Evils of Eating BREAD
• More than 98% of all convicted felons are bread eaters.
• Half of all children who are raised eating bread regularly score below average on standardized tests.
• More than 80% of all violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of the perpetrator consuming bread.
• Newborn babies almost always choke on bread.
• Bread is classified as a “Gateway” food, leading the user to “Harder” evils such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
• The vast majority (over 97%) of all drug abusers have admitted while under arrest that they have recently eaten bread.
• Most Americans who eat bread are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babble.